Musings of a Maniac
It so strange how our minds choose to ignore the truth simply because we know how much it hurts. I did that for a really long time, and I never regretted something so much.
Every day is new. It full of new challenges, new successes, new failures. Sometimes I think I better. Sometimes I feel like I ten times worse. Every now and then, I can go an entire day wi adidas superstar thout thinking about adidas superstar what happened. Other days, it all I can think about. I don know how to make it disappear completely. I don think my mind will ever allow that to happen.
Two years is a really long time. It also a very short time. In two years you can completely change as a person. You can meet new people, lose people, start at a new school, change your major four times, find new interests, make new discoveries about yourself, travel to places you never been in two years.
I learned a lot in two years. I met someone who changed my life. I thought we were practically the same person. It turned out I was very wrong. I can help but regret a large chunk of those two years, but I don regret everything I learned about myself. I compartmentalize. If I see something that scares me, I hide it from myself. If someone tells me I wrong, I believe them. If someone tells me it my fault, I believe them. If someone wants to hurt me, I let them. If someone tells me they love me and they would never, ever do a thing to hurt me, I will force myself to believe them.
None of that is right though, is it? For two years, I acted that way. I knew halfway through that something was very, very wrong, but I didn want to believe it. Who wants to believe that their best friend betrayed them? Who wants to believe that things you worked for are actually a big pile of nothing to the person you did it all for?
It doesn matter, though. Some people are mean. People lie, cheat, steal, and say and do horrible things. It could be the last person you suspect, or the last person you want it to be. People will go to great lengths to surprise you, and sometimes it can take years to discover that awesome surprise.
Today, I put everything that was left of those two years in a bag. I gotten rid of some things already, but there were a few things left that I held on to. I don know why. There are some moments, some aspects that I like to wish were real. I finally realized there no point in that though. I return the bag to whom it belongs, and I walk away from those two years forever. I delete numbers, email addresses, whatever. I block numbers and facebook accounts. I 1000% done, and I don want to hear, see, or think about any of it anymore.
Those two years weren a complete loss. It wasn a happy two years, no. But I learned a lot adidas superstar about myself. I learned that I can let someone tell me I wrong when I not. I learned that my gut is usually right. I smart, I read people well, and I know when something wrong. I know I can hide from the things I fear, and I can lie to myself to make things seem perfect again. I can do that because in two years, it won matter what I tricked myself into believing. It all explode, and I wish it never began.
I put the beginning, middle, and end into that bag today. I hang that bag on someone door, and I walk aw adidas superstar ay. I hope to never see that door again. I walk past his car and hope to never see that again either. I go to work/school and pray I don have to see his name or his face anywhere. I spend day after day trying to forget that anything ever happened between us. It all very difficult, but it gotten easier. I know that one day I won have to think about it anymore, because something out there is better. The things I invest my time in now are better. I better. And I won have to hear him tell me otherwise ever again.